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PORTAL 2.


NEXT GAME REVIEW WILL PROBABLY BE AMNESIA OR SOMETHING. BYE.

Sonic The Hedgehog 4 (360)

Yep. I'm finally reposting a review from my DA journal. Word for word, copy/paste. Because I am lazy and wanted to update without actually putting any thought into a new review.

Quite some time ago, I posted a comment somewhere (it was either Halolz or the Escapist forums,) detailing a single course of action SEGA could take to earn my universal forgiveness for the travesty that is every Sonic game to come out since Adventure 2.

I said that they could remake Sonic 3 & Knuckles with current generation graphics. I would even allow the addition of some of the Loads and Loads of Characters they've crammed into the series as unlockable extras or something, so long as they didn't go overboard.

Less than a month after I said that, SEGA announced NOT S3&K, but SONIC THE HEDGEHOG 4, a direct SEQUEL to S3&K. Not only was it a direct sequel to the greatest Sonic the Hedgehog game to ever exist, but it was to have similar side-scrolling gameplay, level design, and a cast consisting solely of the blue hedgehog himself and his arch-nemesis Dr. Robotnik. Not so much as a two-tailed fox more. Cue jaw-drop and a fan-girlish squee the likes of which would not be heard again until Portal 2's announcement.

Initially released screenshots and videos looked good. Maybe a bit TOO similar to the games whose honor STH4 is meant to restore, but I'd let it slide. Some of the original badniks even got pretty awesome graphical upgrades!

Fastforward a bit to unveil SEGA's first mistake of what was to be many. Two words: "Episode. One."

4 zones. That's it. Sonic's "triumphant return" is even shorter than his FIRST FUCKING GAME, which you can buy from the Wii shop channel for HALF THE PRICE.

Needless to say, my response to learning this was "well fuck that!" And so I forgot all about Sonic The Hedgehog 4 for a while.

NOW. For Christmas this year, I received an Xbox 360 (and a few other games, but that's neither here nor there.) Aware that there was a wide selection of downloadable games available from the marketplace, I decided to check 'em out. Among them, I saw STH4, which reminded me that the game existed.

So I got it.

After a few hours, I began to wish I hadn't.

The graphics are great, so it has that going for it. The backgrounds blend in and move nicely with the rest of the stages, which themselves are very well drawn and colorful as a Sonic game should be.

The first Zone, Splash Hill was a joyfully nostalgic breeze through an Green/Emerald Hill remake/mashup. Or it would have been. If not for that FUCKING homing attack mechanic SEGA decided would be a good idea to implement in a 2-D FUCKING GAME. FUCK IT, FUCK IT, FUCK IT! Not only does it randomly lock on to everything you DON'T want to jump toward, but it essentially adds a double jump that moves you forward. This can be kind of handy in a very select few areas, but it makes the rest of the game a great deal HARDER when you're not used to it because you've been playing, say...every OTHER 2-D Sonic game. (Remember the fire shield from STH3? Imagine doing that involuntarily every other time you want to make a precise jump.)

Also, I hope you're not a fan of Sonic's speed, because you certainly won't be doing a lot of running in this game. What's that? A Sonic game that takes the focus off of running really fast? Yeah. I was shocked too, but every time I managed to get up to full speed, I ran smack straight into one of the badniks SEGA cleverly placed on EVERY stretch of land you'd otherwise be capable of using to run really fast on, and lost half my rings. With another hearty "fuck that!" I restarted the act, expecting I'd be smart enough not to make the same mistake, keep my rings, and actually make it to the Special Stage.

NOT SO.

This EXACT SAME incident occurred no less than 4 more times in different areas around the FIRST. FUCKING. ACT. I know collecting the Chaos Emeralds is supposed to be a challenge, but GOD DAMN! I can't even hold on to enough rings GET to them! (The Special Stages themselves are ironically not all that special. Basically exactly the same as the ones from STH1, only you control the rotation of the stage rather than Sonic himself. I know this because I've managed to get into one ONCE. Also you're on a ludicrous fun-killing time limit and have to collect rings to open gates.)

The other zones are more of the same. You have the clone of Casino Night Zone, the clone of Labyrinth Zone, and the clone of Metropolis Zone. I thought this was supposed to be a sequel to Sonic 3! Why are we going back through zones from Sonic 1 and 2? They even have all the same enemies! There is not a single new badnik design to be found!

These zones, while very visually pleasing, and effectively appealing to one's sense of nostalgia are considerably terribly designed. Aside from the enemy placement and lack of Hedgehog-suited terrain I mentioned earlier, SEGA decided to add fucking PUZZLES to the stages. WHY? This is SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, NOT MYST, SEGA!

The took Labyrinth Zone, the second* most evil and unforgiving Zone in Sonic history, and made it EVEN MORE hard and unforgiving to the point where it's not even fun to play through anymore, it's just a chore! Why am I lighting torches? Why am I moving walls around? Why did I run out of time while doing this crap? WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I JUST RUN REAL FAST!?

And what. THE. FUCK. IS WITH THE LIBERAL USE OF INSTANT-DEATH PITS? I had 20 lives going into the Casino Zone. I lost 15 of them in ONE absurdly wide instant-death pit spanned by Mega Man-esque platforms-that-appear-and-disappear. Either make the platforms stationary, or put something under them to land on. Using both is just begging for an I Wanna Be The Guy comparison. That's just one example. These fucking pits are EVERYWHERE.

Even the bosses for this game are just rehashes from the first 3. You've got Robotnik's classic ball/chain, his pinball death machine, his "I run away while the water level creeps up absurdly fast," and his...whatever that thing is where he makes all the little copies of himself. These bosses have very slightly modified moves, but it hardly makes them any more difficult than they originally were. (Except Labyrinth's. The addition of moving smashy walls after the toned-down creeping water part is an admittedly welcome challenge.)

The final zone consists of a boss run with a few further changes. Namely, the smashy walls from the Labyrinth boss seem to be a lot more smashy. Annoyingly so. To the point where I lost my remaining lives and gave up for the day.

SEGA is trying. They have the right idea. They just don't seem to know what the hell to do with it. Kill the homing attack, kill the puzzles, tweak the terrain, and it wouldn't kill 'em to add some originality to the mix. I know we wanted a new Sonic game to be closer to the originals, but this is pushing it.

As it is, Sonic The Hedgehog 4 gets a 5/10

*#1 is Metropolis, and #3 is Carnival Night.